I make myself sick
03.11.05 ||| 8:39 pm

Today, well, has not beena good day. Me and Alfred got into it... AGAIN. Only because I wanted him to understand how something kinda made me feel bad. See, yesterday I told him that I wasn't gonna go out with Tiff today because I'd rather stay home and talk to him. So ya know what he does? He calls me this evening and tells me he's going out. I told him it kinda sucked a little because I had been avoiding Tiff all day because I told him I'd rather stay home and talk to him. I even assured him that I wasn't mad that he was going out... just that it sucked a little, ya know?
The whole thing got all fucked and twisted and he turned it into my lacking communication skills and saying that I planned to stay home so therefore he had to stay home as well. It wasn't even like that. ANd then when I pointed out that if the situation were reversed he would be pissed he didnt say anything.
I told him I wasn't mad and that he should go out and have fun... I just wanted him to see the suckiness of it all, ya know? Then he got all pissed and hes mad at me and I ask him to call me when he gets home and he tells me he will if he feels like it. Then I tell him to go have fun and to be good and he tells me no. Then I tried to laugh it off ya know and I told him I love him and he goes, "yeah. Bye."
GAH.

He is so infuriating.

I went out with Tif anyways tonight. I called Alfred before hand to let him know and I felt like everything was okay, ya know? He told me he loved me and shit and I thought we were fine. So then I get home about 20 minutes ago and I call him to let him know I'm home now and he answers his phone with, "What?" I tell him I called to say I was home and he goes ok. Then I tell him Well, I love you. and he says "Yeah." so I go, uh ok. Bye." and hang up.

What the fuck man? Was he sitting with some ho or something and didn't want her to hear him tell me he loved me? I know that's stupid... I know... it just irks me how he can so blatantly refuse to tell me he loves me. And then I worry that hes gonna cheat on me... and fuck dude. It all just sucks.

I just wish I could feel hurt some time and not have him tell me I'm crazy, lacking communication, and then have him be mad at me. Aren't I allowed to feel anything at all. According to him, Nope. I'm just fucking crazy and I lack communication skills. Fuckin' eh.

I wonder if he even realizes that I wouldn't feel hurt so much if he wasnt doing things that hurt my feelings. I mean, what? Am I overly sensitive? Is it wrong for me to want him to say "I love you, too." when I tell him I love him?

I dunno. It sucks though. I hate how shit goes, yet I love him too much to leave him. I want him to be nicer to me and to be more careful with my feelings and shit. I want him to not get mad at me when I feel hurt or angry. I want to be allowed to be me more... but its like I can't. He won't let me. He always tells me I'm nuts or whatever. That I'm crazy. I'm not really. I'm just sensitive about some stuf... and hell, other people wouldn't put up with the stuff he says sometimes.

But still, I love him. Because hes not always like this... just sometimes. I just want to feel like he loves me as much as I love him... but I dont think he does. He doesn't even like me most of the time for crying out loud. And that makes me so fucking sad. You all have no idea.

Everything just sucks.

Aw. Here I am being all depressed and pathetic. I make me sick. Gah.

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