But, then I got a super-dee-duper nice e-mail from this girl that I reviewed for Flirt. And that made me smile a little. So I guess the big bad world isn't being so big and bad after all.
I never know.
That review, though, did make me stop and think about a lot of things. I do realize that I ramble on and on about Alfred all the fucking time. I know that. But, dude, it's like he is really all that is in my life right now that I want to have in my life. My friends are all in California, I am currently unemployed, and my family has serious issues... It's really like he is the one thing that I have in my life that could be really great. And it bothers me so intensely when shit feels all fucked up like it does.
The girl that reviewed my diary said that she thinks that I am afraid to not have Alfred in my life because it seems like he is all that is in it right now... and that is *partly* true, I'll admit it. I don't want to be without him. I love him more than anything and I've been trying to make this relationship work for almost 2 and a half months. It does scare me to even contemplate being without him. I want him in my life so much. He is the one person that has ever been able to make me smile and make me feel beautiful. I will admit that lately those times have been far and few between but I now that its possible and that it's there if things will just go right.
I dunno. Maybe I am only clinging to him because I'm scared of being alone, but I don't think that that is all there is to it. I love him. He's my monkey. My punk. And I want to be with him.
So my diary is going to be filled to overflowing with thoughts and shit about Alfred. He is what is my life right now and until I get off my ass and convince my family that I'm not just some glorified babysitter and that I do need to get a real job, then really, he is going to be what is written about in my diary. I really don't have anything else going on in my life at the moment.
Yes that may be pathetic but hey, it's what's going on and therefore it is what is going to be going into this diary.
Okay, well, now that I got that off my chest...
::sigh::
So tonight is "Early Christmas Eve" for Kylee and Alicia. I think it sucks that we have to have an early one, but I want Alicia to get her presents from us before Jan. 7. She leaves for Mexico on Monday and won't be back until then, so we are giving her the presents from the family tonight. It sucks though because I wish Alfred were here to celebrate all this shit with me, ya know?
He'll be home on the 22nd, though and will be here through the 2nd of January. So I'll be, well, not around on here for those days. I am really anxious for him to get home though. I feel like my life is on pause while he is away, and when he gets home it's like I have a life again and can be happy.
It sucks to be this wrapped up in a person but I don't know if I can change that about myself right now. He is what I have in my life that I can cling to. If I don't have that... what do I have?