It has just been one of "those" nights. Alfred and I got into it ((again)) and I was a big dumb cry-baby about it. I had tears running down my face while he mocked me and told me that I wanted everything to always be about me. It's not that. Really it's not. I just want to be reminded every once in a while that he loves me, misses me, and needs me as much as I need him. I feel as though I am constantly waiting around for him to call... I am constantly trying to find things that may make him happy... I am just always thinking about him and trying to make our relationship better, yet I feel like he doesn't even recognize it. I just want him to tell me "I love you" every once in a while with out me having to say it first. I want him to hurry home and call me sometimes instead of hurrying home to hang out with Jason and Justin and then going to dinner with them and getting home at 9 o'clock and then calling me and falling asleep after 15 minutes of bland conversation.
I am tired of feeling like every nice thing that I try to do fails. I want to do good sometimes... and I want him to see it. I am starting to feel like everything I touch ends up being fucked up. Hell, even my niece told me today that I am the worse aunt in the world and that I'm mean. I try to make that girl happy all the time. Just because I am the one person in her life that lays down rules and expectations does not make me mean. And I hate that she tells me that I am.
I am just not having the best life right now. I'd like to trade it in for a new one. Please?
Eh. Maybe it's just the holidays that are bumming me out so much. I feel all bah humbug all the time. There are about 30 or 40 Christmas presents under our tree... well, maybe that much... there are a lot though. And you may ask who the person is that has the most presents under the tree? Nope, not my 8 year old niece... nope, not my mom. You'd be right if your punk ass guessed Alfred. I have gone a little overboard with buying him presents. But I like buying him things. I like spoiling my man, ya know?
Bah. Maybe I should stop with that madness though. It doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere.
Damn. When I think about shit... my life is like so... bland. All I ever talk about in here is Alfred and when I stop and wonder why I don't write about anything else I realize, damn, Trace, he is all that is going on in your life right about now. I'm not working any more ((still got my fingers crossed for the emergency tele-communicator job, though.)) I stay at home so I'll be here when ever Alfred calls me. I baby-sit my niece Tuesdays through Fridays from 2 til 11. Then I watch both my nieces on Saturdays from 7am til 3-ish. I don't go out hardly ever because I never really made friends out here in Wisconsin. The few friends I have are away at college and are only home on the rare holiday. And the one friend I have that isn't is always working and/or has friends of her that she sometimes she hangs with. Gah. It's pathetic.
I dunno. I think I need to go out and make some friends or something. At least stop sitting around here all the time. I need some semblance of a life, yes?
::sigh:: I dunno. I think I'm going to go try to go to bed now or something.