Well, shit, it's nearly 4 A.M. I should be tired, no?
I'm in a strange mood though. My mind is everywhere, or rather... its not so many places... its just stuck in places I shouldn't allow it to go.
I'm depressing myself and that is just stupid.
Me and alfred taled a little while he was home about me and how I'm always sad. He said it seems like I look for things to be sad about. He told me he feels like I like being sad. And that has got me thinking. I am always finding something to make myself upset about. I think I get uncomfortable if there aren't things to make me feel shitty. I don't think I know how to be perfectly happy or content. Even when shit is going well, there is always something I can latch onto to make myself feel sad. I have all the old things that I fall back on when life is okay. For instance, while Alfred home this last time, shit was going really well. He was really nice and sweet and loving and I should have been happy, yes? But no. I was busying my mind thinking about bad shit. Like my abortion that I horribly regret and the fact that Alfred never wants to have children and how I want to have babies and all sorts of shit like that. Basically worrying myself over shit that doesn't need to be thought about anymore.
I dunno.
Maybe I'm crazy and the only way I can be comfortable is if i'm sad or depressed or hurting. What is wrong with me that I cant just let myself be happy? Gah. I dunno.
I'm off to go to sleepy town.
Im a tired little bunny and i NEED my beauty sleep. Yes I do.
I have so much shit to do tomorrow. K-mart, the Salvation Army, and then to grandmothers house I go... the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through.... whoops. sorry. Where was I? I have to go to K-mart and the Salvation Army and the Bank and to my Gramma's. What fun, I tell ya. What fun.
Night all.