It scares me like you can't even believe.
I've been thinking about so many different things lately. Like, earlier, I was chatting with my friend, ((oddly, another girl who goes by my old nickname of Tink)) and I was just sitting here and I was remembering all sorts of things from the early stages of my and Alfred's relationship. I remember one time while I was still living with Danielle and I was babysitting her niece, Lola. Alfred was over and I was standing there, baby on my hip, making some food for Danie's mom and I remember Alfred coming up behind me, kinda tickling Lola's foot so she'd giggle and telling me that he could see me as the mother of his kids. He had told me that I looked beautiful and happy holding a baby.
I remember at the time that just made me feel so... good, I guess.
When I first met Alfred I felt as though I never ever wanted to have babies. Hell, I didn't even ever want toget married. Then he and I and started dating and we got serious pretty quickly and I was thinking of babies and all that nonsense. It had seemed like a thing I could want with him, ya know?
Then the pregnancy thing happened where I miscarried and then maybe 6 months after that I had the abortion and now when I think of babies... it scares me.
I'm worried that I've fucked up the chances I've been given and maybe this will be really bad. I'm worried that I shouldn't be allowed to have a baby because I lost one and felt badly over it... then got pregnant again and took the loser way out of it.
((Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing abortion... sometimes is may be the only way, ya know? But I feel in my case, it was the wrong decision and I regret it.))
I dunno what to do. I really don't.