i have imagined myself joined to this boy forever. i have imagined myself as the mother of his children. i have imagined that we'd be together forever.
then i hear his voice, so hard & so callous & so dead on the phone. saying you are a liar. you are a cheater and you are a slut.
and he didnt mean it in the you fuck a lot of guys kinda way. he meant that i make everything about me. i do everything to make shit be about me.
maybe its true.
i know i am a liar.
i have cheated in the fact that i told him i wouldnt cut anymore and i have.
and maybe... just maybe... i am a slut.
and it hurts that i might have to admit to him.
i can admit it to myself... but not to him.
i dont want to lose him.
i love him more than anything. but as he pointed out earlier tonight i have no clue what anything entails anymore.
i do love him though. that is the one thing i am forever sure of.
and i dont want to lose him.
please oh please do not let me lose him.