...like bashing my fist through the window or against the bricks of the wall in my bedroom.
...like hiding in the mud, covered from head to toe, buried in the earth... where nothing can reach me or hurt me.
...as if no one sees me. No one hears me. No one can sense just how much turmoil is boiling underneath my surface. No one cares... and no one wants to.
...like Alfred used to love me a whole lot... but as these years have gone by, he's fallen out of love with me, but he feels too stupid to admit it to himself.
...like I'm a pathetic loser... I do shit that I know is wrong and stupid. I do shit that I call other people stupid for doing. I lie and say I quit doing it... but that's just it... it's a lie and I end up doing it again and again.
...like my words make no sense. I can't convey my feelings and no one truly understands.
...like I'm invisible.
...like I'm still stuck in highschool...
...as though my whole being is going to explode and my soul will be exposed to everyone who cares to look... and still no one will understand.
...so fucking alone.
...like I just want to die because everything would be easier that way.
...like I just don't want to deal with life anymore... I just want everything to be okay and I just want to feel loved...
- Is it really so bad that I just want to feel loved???