Fuck.
Anyhow.
I came to a realization this morning. I now know why I felt so satisfied after running into Nick. It wasn't the simple fact that I'm an attention-whore. ((though, it does play a part in my new idea)) It's my un-natural fear of being forgotten. I am so fucking afraid of people forgetting about me. I want them to remember me. I want people to think about me. ((See, that's how it all ties in with the attention-whore aspect of it)) But seriously. My biggest fear is to be walking down some street some day and to pass a person that meant the world to me and to have them not remember me. That is the worst idea in the whole world to me.
So yeah, the reason I was so satisfied with my run in with Nick was because I got to see the flash of recognition in his eyes, the surprise at having run into me. That's what made me feel so good about it all.
Bah.
-----------
I was thinking about stuff earlier today while I was at work. I dont know if i mentioned it when it happened, and I'm not going to go back and read through my older entries to see if I did or not, but a few weeks ago me and Patti and Vicki were doing check in at work and we were discussing the death of a friend of our's husband. We were talking about how hard a sudden and unexpected would be...especially of some one like a husband or a child. Then Vicki ((the evil bitch that I really can not stand)) says: "Well, I'd rather be a widow than a divorcee. At least then you don't have to live with the fact that they stopped loving you." So basically... she'd rather have her ex-husband be dead than be her ex. Ain't that special? Do more people feel this way? That they'd rather have their husband/wife die than admit to falling out of love with them? Is this healthy? Is the acceptable? I'm not going to place judgement... everyone is entitled to their own feelings and ideas... but the thought of it kinda disturbs me.
I really am curious what other people think about that.
------------
Hmmm. another thought occured to me earlier. I was sitting at work, processing CDs and my mind was going all over the pace and I began to wonder about my fantasies. Well, not like fantasies... but, well, like i was wondering about the guys I think about when I day-dream and shit. I tend to day-dream odd scenarios... that usually include Jesse James falling in love with me, or wanting me really bad. ((ya know, Jesse James, right? ... the West Coast Choppers guy. Yeah... Hes like ultimately sexxxy)) Other times it'll be just random guys... made up in my head. But I never daydream about people I know. I can't. I don't fantasize about Alfred... I can't picture myself in sexual situations with any guy that I know personally. Even if they are guys I want to be with badly. It ends up getting to weird in my thoughts and I end up feeling weird all day.
Is there something wrong with me? Cause that seems odd to me. Bah.
--------
Well, ::sigh:: I hope Alfred calls me tonight. I miss him and I need to talk to him about my trip to Maryland. If I plan to go on the days me and him previously discussed I am all ready screwed out of buying my ticket online. I'll need to drive all the way out to Manitowoc to get it. Bah. So he definitely needs to call me soon. yes he does.
Well, I'm off to *try* to finish my latest review... I've been slacking.