So here it goes... my old friend Didi called me, right? I haven't talked to this ho-bag in like 2 or 3 years. So she gets me on the phone and begins telling me about her "plan" to kill herself tonight and that the only reason she was calling me is to say goodbye. She did this like 2 or 3 times in the past when we were friends. So, I told her, dude, why are you calling me? I don't care. Have fun and try to find a sharp razor... it'll be less painful than a dull one.
She got all pissy with me and told me that I was her best friend and that I had helped her through so much back in the day. blah blah blah. ((yeah before she fucked my boyfriend and stole $200 from my mom.)) I told her that I was tired and was going to bed and I hung up on her. She called me back and told me she thought i would understand because I used to want to kill myself and i cut myself and all sorts of madness. I told her that I understand she is craving attention right now but that she should find someone that wants to give her some. Not me.
She ranted on about me being a hypocrite... pshaw. I hung up and haven't answered the repeated calls I've been getting from her.
But this had caused my little hamster wheel in my head to be put in motion... and the thoughts have just been pouring out. Does my telling her she is an attention-craving-whore make me a hypocrite? Hmmm- the thought of it. See, I'll admit, I did use to cut... quite often actually. And sometimes, even now, I feel like that is the only way for me to get everything out of my head. ((Yes, yes, I know that makes no sense... but it works for me.)) Anyhow... I never once ran around showing people my cuts or my scars... I hid them quite well actually. It wasn't like a cry for attention... not really. But, does the fact that I still do cut, ((though rarely)) and that I had the audacity to bash her for it, make me a hypocrite? Ehhh- probably. I never know. Its strange. I can read some diaries on here and they piss me off so bad with how they cry and moan and proclaim about being suicidal and cutting. I want to slap them. But, then, I think, wait a minute, Trace, you cut... you were once suicidal... BUT then i argue with myself, well, yeah...but i never had a razorblade and bloody sink on my layout either. ((what is with that bloody razorblade and bloody sink layout anyway?)) I dunno. Maybe I am a hypocrite. I probably am. But I hate how cutting and depression are fastly becoming trendy. I mean really, who wants to be depressed? who wants to feel like cutting is their last resort? ((all the teeny-boppers of america i guess))
Bah, But anyhow... so yeah.. you are reading the diary of a hypocrite I guess. But fuck... those little kids that beg for attention get on my nerves. I want to grab the razorblades out of their little hands and cut their wrists for them...
((I dunno, maybe i am just full of pent up anger because of everything else going on in my life.)) I am sounding very very bitchy right now... but fuck it. I hate all the little crap going on around me right now.
Blllllaaaaaahhhhhh!