Geez-us.
08.02.04 ||| 12:07 am

::sigh::

I feel like shit today. I hardly slept at all last night. I had wanted to alter my template, or rather completely change it, last night... but then Diaryland decided it wanted to take a nap and I was screwed. So I sat up anyway, chatting with Eric, Airick and some guy from Boston. ((I don't think he ever told me his name but he had a strange ass screen-name that, for the life of me, I can't remember tonight.))

Bah. Alfred called me this morning. He said he didn't sleep at all last night because he was worried that he'd fucked up our relationship. I told him that we were okay... that if he had actually, like, been into it with the girl and if he had let things progress further than what he said then there would've been problems. Then the conversation got weird. He told me that he didn't fuck the girl.. that nothing remotely sexual happened but the kissing did happen for a little bit longer than he had let on earlier. He told me he put a stop to it all when the girl tried to take things farther. So, now here I am wondering about that. I don't know why this hurts me more than what I knew before. It's all pretty much the same shit. He kissed another girl. But this hurts more than my thinking she had just tried to kiss him and he pushed her away. Now I'm hearing that he kissed her.. well, for a while I guess before he put an end to it.

Needless to say, I didn't have much to talk with him about after that. He told me he loves me. He told me he needs me. He told me he hopes everything is okay. ::sigh:: I think we're okay and I told him as much. I think I can get past this little indiscretion. I told him that I'd still come out on the 20th. That we can talk about everything out then. I told him to not mention any of this to me again. I don't want to hear his case over the phone. I need to talk to him face to face... so I can look in his eyes and see what he feels. instead of listening to his voice that is so good at altering his messages. Bah.

This hurts though. More than any of you can imagine. And it sucks even more because even though this all happened the one thing I still crave the most right now is to lay down with him and hold me and have him play with my hair. I love when people play with my hair.

Especially when he plays with it. ::smile:: I hate wanting and missing him so much even though my heart and head feel like they are going to shatter. Fuck this all, man.

I'm going to go do another review. Go fucking request one too. ((perdy please with candy and stuff on top?))

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