Anyhow. Chase called me this morning and I agreed to walk down to the lake with him. I did all this on the pretense that I was planning to tell him that I made a mistake in giving him my number and that I did not feel that I could be friends with him. Honestly, the only reason I had decided to do this is because I honestly love Alfred so fucking much. ((Here I might want to add that Tracey=Dumbass, and now I continue...)) So I decided that I don't feel that having Chase as a friend would have been worth the chance of fucking up what I've got with Alfred.
So. I left the house and met Chase at End Park across the street from my house. We started walking to the lake and I told him that I was sorry but that it would probably be best if he lost my number and that I love my boyfriend and I don't want there to be any chance of me fucking that up. I told him that I thought he was a neat guy and if shit were different, well, it would be different. And it's not, so I guess I get to be the bitch and everything. He acted really understanding... for about 2 seconds. Then he asked me why I would want to be in a relationship with a guy that was that controlling and possessive that I couldn't even talk to another guy. I told him he just didn't understand, it's not about Alfred being possessive it's about the fact that I love Alfred with all my fucking heart and I don't want him to feel hurt or fucked over in anyway. Then I just turned around and jogged home.
I got home and sat in my room for about an hour. I felt really bad. I mean, it does suck that I feel like I can't have Chase as a friend. I feel like I was fucking with his head. And, in all seriousness, I was kind of attracted to him. He was nice, cute, and he seemed so interested in me. I've missed having that in Alfred lately. I dunno. It just didn't seem like a good idea to have Chase around seeing as I'm dealing with the Alfred-being-away shit and all. So I just had to cut the entire issue from even existing, ya know?
Anyways. Chase called at like 3. He apologized for getting mad and saying the things he did. He even freaking apologized for the things he thought as he walked home. ((Side note: I asked him what those thoughts were and he wouldn't tell me)) He told me that he doesn't really understand where I'm coming from but that there isn't really nothing he can do about that. I agreed with him. Then he told me he'd maybe see me around somewhere sometime and then we hung up.
I sat around my house for the rest of the night. I played a little Xbox, but I'm getting so boredwith videogames. Blah.
Then, the phone rang. It was like 6-ish I think. So I answered it thinking it wouldn't be for me. But, I was wrong. It was Alfred. ((which is strange since he almost never calls before 7)) I told him how much I love him and how much i miss him and what is he doing, why hasn't he called and what not. He told me he loved me and missed me more than ever that he'd been working late and going to bed early. He told me he had gone to dinner with some of the guys the other night and that there were girls there. I acted surprised and questioned him on it all. ((I didn't want to rat out Bobby, my brother in law. I don't want the guys to know Bobby told me about anything because then they'd all give him shit about it and he wouldn't be a happy camper.)) Anyhow. Alfred didn't say much about dinner and he got all quiet on me. Then I started asking him about my going out there in like 2 1/2 weeks. He was very adament about me coming which he hasn't been before. He told me that he misses me so much and that I have to come see him and that he loves me and he'll set everything up so that I can be there. And he was going on and on about how much he needed me. I loved hearing it, but it kinda sparked something in my brain, ya know? He NEVER says that much about any of it. He's never been so persistant about my having to go out there. So I asked him what was going on. Why was he being he so weird.
He got a little pissed at me saying he just loved me and why was I being crazy. I told him I was sorry, but that it all just seemed too weird. I told him that I love him and i miss him more than ever, and I'm glad he misses and loves me too... but that he just seemed a little stranger than normal. Then all of a sudden he just kinda got all quiet and when he started to talk again his voice was all changed a little and he started telling me about the night they had dinner with those girls. He said that the guys had wanted to bring the girl's home with them but that Alfred had told them he'd rather not. He told me that there was this one girl that was sexxxy and hot and that she was nice and she came on to him really strong but that he kept telling her he had a girlfriend. He said he told her about me a bazillion times but she wouldn't take a hint. ANYWAYS... they all ended up back at the house and the guys all kind of split up into their own rooms ((if you know what I mean)). Alfred said he wasn't going to take the girl into his room so they went and sat on the porch. They were just talking and then all of a sudden she was kissing him. He said he got lost in it for a few seconds... he said he had been thinking about me and then there was this kissing going on and it was nice and he hadn't been kissed in almost a month and then he realized what was going and he got up and told the girl that he had a girlfriend back home that he loved very much andhe didnt want anything to do with her and he went into his room.
He said he hadn't called because he felt guilty. He said he'd been in a shitty mood for the past couple days and he'd been missing me something awful. He said he loved me. He said he was sorry. He said I had to come out and see him on the 20th. He said he needed to know if we were okay. He said he loved me. He said he needed me. He begged me to say something. Finally, i told him I loved him too. I told him I missed him. I told him we were okay. I told him I would come out and see him. That I would get my bus ticket tonight. I told him that I just needed to go lay down for a while and that I needed to get off the phone. I told him that I loved him and I asked him to call me tomorrow morning. He said he would and told me again that he loved me. I told him the same and then I hung up. I sat down in my room, in the dark, with my little tin of blades. But I didn't use them. I sat there. And I felt bad. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't. I wanted to feel more than I what I was. I felt like I was empty. I mean I felt badly. I was hurting... but nearly enough I think. It seems weird. Right now I am pretty much okay. I mean I have like lump in my throat... and I hate everything that happened... but I'm not crying and in my head I know that me and Alfred are okay.
I feel like I should be pissed. I should be crying. I should be feeling really really shitty right now, right? But, I'm not. I just feel a little hurt. I feel like there were things that could've happened to prevent it all, but that I know he loves me. Honestly, oddly enough, I feel like I'm more reassured in his love for me. I mean it kills me to think that he kissed another girl. It hurts me more the more I think about it... but it could've been so much worse. He could have gone ahead and fucked her, but he didn't. He could've not told me at all. But he did. He told me, he owned up to it all. He turned down a sexxy girl and walked away from her.
Blah. I feel a little confused right now. The more I sit here and think, the more that kiss hurts, but I know he pushed her away. I can be okay with this.
The one thing that I keep thinking, though, is this: Why did I turn Chase away from me? I feel like that was the one mistake I made in all this. I don;t reall know why. But I feel like I deserve to have Chase as a friend. I feel like I fucked up by telling him to go away and stay away.
I dunno. My thoughts on this don't make any sense. I mean, what does Chase have to do with Alfred kissing some girl, ya know?
My thoughts on the Chase thing will probably change. Tomorrow I'll be glad that I turned Chase away. At least I think i will. That's why I haven't called him again tonight. I've wanted to... but i won't. I don;t want to fuck with his head.
Blah.
Well, yeah. I do feel like I am a dumbass tho. I do.
I'm going to go look for a new layout. I'm bored and I know I won't sleep any time soon.
::sigh::