He hasn't called. AGAIN. And I have no idea what's going on.
I miss him.
I was checking out my poetry diary from ions ago and noticed this poem...
it still fits me and Alfred so well.
It seems all I have ever wanted from him was to feel as though he wanted me...
in my mind I can fathom that he believes he needs me. He's very clingy in such a way that he shows he feels like I owe him for all he's done for me... leaving his family, moving 2000 miles away, giving up his 69 grand prix because we had no way of getting it out here. ((to Wisconsin))
So in my head its not hard to take in that he thinks he needs me. He needs me to want him and be here for him and depend on him... he needs me to take care of him and do things for him and be a good girlfriend
But I have hard time thinking that he wants me. I feel so unattractive to him sometimes. Does he think I'm blind and don't see when he checks out the skinny little things that stare at him when we walk through a mall?
Does he think I don't notice the girls that make goo-goo eyes at him when we go out?
Does he think I don't hear the girls who hit on?
Why would he want me when I am nothing like those girls he so constantly is admiring?
He needs me, yes.
but does he want me? I doubt it.
I was talking to Airick about all this earlier... he tells me I'm crazy. That any guy would want me. ((but what would he know he's gay, right?))
But, Airick believes I'm just tripping on all this madness because I haven't heard from Alfred in sooo long.
We've never gone this long without talking.
I hate it.
I hate sounding so dependant on him. I hate sounding so self conscious and needy.
I just wish I knew he wanted me... that's all.