It is just one of those fucking days, know what I mean?
I feel so shitty today and I don;t know what to do to make myself feel better.
Alfred is being all crazy-like. He's been seeming strange these past few days and today it all just culminated in him freaking out.
He doesn't love me anymore. I can tell. He didnt say as much... but I can feel it. He called me a bitch and told me I needed to get over myself.
He hung up on me.
My heart is all breaking and no one even notices or cares.
my mom says that guys just act that way... that he doesnt want me happy while hes not here. I feel like shes just brushing it all aside and telling me that I need to make myself not feel the way i do.
Why is it asking too much to feel like Alfred wants to talk to me? Why is it asking too much to want him to want to call me? Why is it asking too much to want him to be talking to me when we're on the phone?
Why is it too much to ask for me to feel loved?
I fucking hate everything right now.
I am so fucking pathetic... its taking everything I have to not cut right now. The only reason I even stopped is for Alfred... and right now I feel like I dont have him so there goes my reason to not do it... but I'm clinging to the possibility that he still loves me and hes just crazy right now.
I know its sad and pathetic and makes me sound like a massive, obsessed, loser... but i need him to love. I do.
Fuck it all.
I am going away for the weekend. I'm going to go stay at my cousin Stefany's house while she goes up north. Tin may come out and spend some time with me... that might be nice.
Meh.
I'll be home monday...so I'll update then.
I'm out.