I feel like I should say I wish Alfred were here, cause then I'd feel better... but I don't think thats true anymore. It's not that I love him any less than before, its just i honestly feel like he can't really make everything better. I used to believe he could, if he'd just try a little... but now i have come to realize that, well, really, he can't. That doesn't make him a bad person or anything... it just means that i don't think he can make me okay. I'm not okay, really, and he can't fix that. Probably, i am the only one who can, but i even doubt that.
Its weird, i love alfred with all my heart... he is, well, pretty much my everything. He's what I live for and i spend so much trying to make him happy. But i feel like i am getting no where in life.
Fuck i dunno. It's not like I'm gonna break up with him or anything... i just need to figure out what I need. and not worry so much about pleasing him. ((I doubt i am seriously capable of that though... i want him to be happy... and making him happy is what makes me happy... so fuck.))
Blah. I feel like i need to get out of wisconsin to get a little perspective. I want to go somewhere where i can be alone with myself. Where i can try to find the me that i've lost track of. I feel nothing like the girl i used to be in california. and nothing like the girl i used to be when i lived in wisconsin before that. I dont know who i am... and it kinda scares me.
I need to figure some things out. Meh.
Well, I'm off to bed i think... night all