Cause I don't and it scares me.
I'm sitting up at 1:30 in the morning, with a mazillion thoughts running rampant in my brain.
I am wanting so many things right now.
I want Alfred to call me.
I want Eric to stop telling me that the only reason he is single is because he is fat. ((That's not the only reason, dude. There are many reasons, one of which is you have a serious attitude problem, and another is that you place yourself on this pedestal of greatness that you don't deserve.))
I want some alcohol.
I want to find an old lamp with a genie inside that would grant me a bunch of wishes.
Then I could just wish for some alcohol and not have to get off my ass to go get it.
I want to feel safe.
I want to feel happy.
I want... I think I just want. That's it. Just simply want.
I talked myself out of chopping off all my hair tonight. I had the thought in my head to just go in the bathroom and hack at my hair... but I convinced myself not to.
Wanna know why?
::shakes head in shame::
Because Alfred likes long hair.
That's why I talked myself out of it.
Pathetic, no?
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Hey, I got something I want.
Eric signed off and left me so he could go to sleep.
I wish I could sleep. But I'm wide-fucking-awake now.
Have you ever noticed how depressing it is to open your buddylist on an instant messageing program and see that no one besides you in on? Yeah. I noticed that just now.
And it made me feel alone.
And even more pathetic.
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I have to work in the morning. I don't want to go. I hate my job now. I go there and want to push little kids down flights of stairs.
I want to throw books at the old people who block the aisles.
I want to steal the newspaper away from the guy who sits there with the magnifying glass staring at the ads in the paper... the ads that have boobies in them.
((I'm not talking porn here, people. I'm talking regular normal advertisements in the paper. Ones that feature women. He stares at the boobies on the fully clothed women in print ads (for like Wal-Mart or Grocery Stores) in the newspapers. It's quite disturbing.
I want to create madness and mayhem in the library. I want to put all the books back in the wrong places and I want to rip out the last page of all the fiction books so you'll never know how the story ends.
We actually had a girl that I worked with that did that. She ripped out the last page of like 30 different books. She got fired for it when my boss found out. It was actually quite humourous. Until my boss wanted me to fix the ripped out pages. That part wasn't so funny.
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I don't know why i hate my job so much now. I just do.
I want to quit and live off of Alfred. That sounds nice, doesn't it?
He makes enough money that I could too. But seriously, then how bored would I be?
I think I am going to go down in to my room and lay in my bed and stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling and try to sleep. Or maybe I'll fantasize about some cute guy and try to get off. ((i can't believe I just typed that... but I'm being honest and truthful.)) I am bored and I'm not tired... but I know I will be at 7 in the morning.
Sheesh.
I'm off to my room I guess.