I haven�t heard from Alfred since Wednesday night... I really hope he decides to call me today. I have so many things to tell him. He got paid today.... a shit load more than I thought he�d get... So I can give him that good news.... and I want to tell him that I looked at costs for a greyhound ticket from here to where he�s at...so I could go out there and visit him. I really really hopes he is up for that. I swear... I miss him so much. I need to see him, ya know? I think the only problem might be the guys he is living with.... but I had thought. I could bribe them to let me stay at the house for a few days.... I could bribe them with... food. Isn�t that a good idea? I mean, these guys work like 10 hour days and they never get to have home-cooked meals. Sooo... my idea is I could fix them dinner every night I�m there so it�d be waiting for them when they got home. Huh? pretty good, no? I dunno... it�s just an idea... I�ll run it passed Alfred tonight when he (hopefully) calls me.
Anyhow.... Today, like I said, my mind was running rampant. So many people and things were popping into my head. One of the things that kept recurring in my thoughts was a guy I used to date. I was with him for like 9 months or some shit when I was like 13 or 14. He was my first real boyfriend and I really loved him ya know? His name was (little) Jose and he was, I think, 5 years older than me. He cheated on me left and right... and I kept taking him back till I just couldn�t any more.... it was all a bunch of drama and craziness. But I was wondering about him. I heard from Eric that he�s like married and has like 2 or 3 kids or some shit like that. I kinda have myself convinced to talk to Eric and maybe see if I can find some way to get a hold of him. I don�t wanna just ask for his number and call him because I don't wanna start anything between him and Becky (his girlfriend/wife thing) But I would really like to just talk to him and catch up. For a while after we broke up he was pretty persistent in getting back together with me and then all of a sudden he got with this girl Amberly and I stuck my nose in where it didn't belong and it ended up that we both started to hate each other and talk shit on each other... (me and Jose I mean...) I mean, really, what do you expect though... it was high school shit, ya know? But I wonder how he is now... I wonder if he misses me... not that I care, I just wonder ya know? I wanna ask him some stuff... like I wanna know if he thinks he would of cheated on me sooo many times if I had been having sex with him.... I dunno... I know it seems silly to wanna talk to him and dredge up old shit, but I am genuinely curious as to how he is and I wonder if there is any possibility for him and I to forge some sort of friendship. I haven�t worked out al the details in my head, yet.... but I think once I do I am going to find out how I can contact him and see about this whole being friends thing... I miss the guys I used to be friends with, ya know? I dunno...I feel all insane.... like its wrong for me to want to talk to him and to talk to Willie and big Jose and all these people... I mean I just want to be friends with them.... but I kinda feel like Alfred would be upset with all this if he knew about it. I dunno.. I mean, is it wrong for me to want to get back into my old friendships?
Fuck it.
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I was also asking myself all sorts of questions... like weird ass questions, but shit that was interesting to think about. Like one thing was this: How would my life be drastically different if I had never broke up with Jose when I did? shit like that.... I am going to think of an answer for that...I really will... I have others marinating in my head right now.... yeah... they are making the ideas just come out full force... Well, I am going to try to calm my brain.... and look at clothes at Torrid yay.
::smile::