I want to go to bed. I'm tired and I have shit I need to do tomorrow.
But I can't.
Ifound this old disc of mine that had all my old poetry on it.
I read it all tonight...
all 80 poems.
Some of them sucked, I'll admit. But there were a few that took me back to times I haven't thought of since i got with Alfred.
Most of the poems were about Willie. 2 or 3 from the very utmost beginnings of mine and alfred's relationship. The more recent past between me and willie had blocked out the more distant past we shared. The poems brought it all back.
God I really truly loved that guy... in my own little warped mind.
I really did.
I had wanted him for years it seems. Since junior high... and I still wanted him when i moved back to california in 01 or 02. I crushed on that guy for damn near 6 or 7 years.
And at times he made me believe that he liked me too.
I remember back in the day when i first moved to wisconsin. I used to save up money so that i could go to Cali for two or three weeks in the summer. I lived for those trips.
I remember the last trip I took out there... it was in February of 01 or 02 I believe... probley 02. Anyhow. The trip itself was okay... but i had told willie that i liked him. the last night there i was devastated thinking i wasnt gonna see him... i went to the arcade and he showed up. we talked... we flirted... it was sooo fucking great... he offered to walk me back to amanda's house and we walked out of the arcade and ran smack into eric. I don't remember all the shit that happened... but willie ended up turning and going back into the arcade and eric ended up walking me back to amandas.
Willie called me later that night and we talked but i was still upset... i cussed him out for it. He apologized.
Blah Blah.
After I returned back to wisconsin i talked to amanda every few days and she ended up telling me that eric and willie had fought... eric didnt want me and willie together and willie ended up deciding that his friendship with eric meant more to him... than some "fling"
but that he was just trying to not hurt anyone...
I hated that everything got so fucked up then... but now, knowing all the things that have happened since... i just get confused...
while i was living out there he used me and fucked me and left me... he never really wanted me... it was all just a big game to him...
so whats true and whats fact...?
that last trip out there or the last time i seen him? why does willie have so much control over me that he still leaves me confused?
And WHY DO I CARE?
I have alfred... i love alfred...
i dont wanna lose alfred...
and hed be upset if he knew i still wished i understood the willie stuff.
He hates the feelings i *had* for willie... hed be upset that *had* is more of a *have*
I want to despise willie. i want to hate him for how he used me and discarded me... but i can't.. i think of all the things that came before that.... all the niceness... the reasons i did like him... and i get confused.
why can't i just let myself forget willie and move on? why cant i let myself be happy. i finally have someone who loves me... ((even if things aren't perfect right now between me and alfred)) Why can't i just forget everything willie ever was to me?
it sucks and i dont understand.
but inside me i still wish willie cared about me and loved me like i allowed myself to love and care for him....