i just wanna be beautiful
07.08.04 ||| 9:10 pm
He's miles and miles away... in a hotel... in a town where no one knows him... a town where no one knows me. What's there to stop him from hooking up with someone else? And if he were to hook up with someone... how would I ever know? I want him to reassure me that I'm the only person for him. I want him to tell me that he loves me.. that I'm the most beautiful person to him. I hate the fact that he has been with so many women. I hate the fact that other girls have lain in his arms and made love to him before he even realized he wanted someone like me. I hate imagining all the things I know he's done with other girls but that he hasn't even attempted with me. I want to be his only... I want to be special. But I don't know if I'm capable of feeling that way with him. He's the first guy I've ever made love to... the first guy I ever trusted myself completely with. He owns my heart but I end up feeling like just another tally mark on his bed post... I feel like there are so many better people out there for him....
We talked for 10 minutes earlier. He was in a rush to get off the phone and take a shower. I told him that my sister was gonna cut my hair for me and perhaps dye it... he told me that he didn't me to do anything to it... that my family wants me to be all this shit that he knows is no good for me... they want me to get rid of the crazy-coloured hair... ((and the black hair that came before the pink)) they want me to be a blonde with a short haircut... that wears baggy clothes... ((so he says)) he says they want me to be ugly.
He never said that I am pretty or beautiful or cute the way I am... just that they want me to be ugly...
I felt like he was saying they think I am ugly and that they want to make me uglier...
I just want him to find me beautiful.... that's all.