But that's besides the point. Me and Alfred are not so hot... and I want things to be better, but apparently it is I that I have to change and, well, I'm lost as to how I go about it. Not that changing myself for him is what I want, but I see his point on most things and I really need to evaluate myself on a lot of shit, but i'm so lost on how to actually go about doing it. ::sigh:: I dunno. I just want to be happy, is that so much to ask?
I've been feeling really fucking down lately. I've been avoiding this evil box, and focusing on just menial shit. I believe today is the first day in over a month that I've actually put make up on and tried to find myself attractive. All I do anymore is make sure the house is clean, babysit, and try to figure out what to make for dinner everynight. I work on Alfred's blanket... (it's a little over a third of the way done). I watch television. I sit on my ass. I'm not working. Not doing anything about school. Nothing. I'm rotting. Festering. I want to do something with school. But it just doesn't seem to be working. I have no fucking vehicle. I have no fucking money. I feel so loser-like.
I'm just really fucking depressed lately and I want to be happy and better and good and I want to feel loved and appreciated and cared for... but its like its not my turn or something.
I'm contemplating getting rid of this here diary. It's just a fucking big bring-me-down. I dunno. I guess we'll see.